And Fun Was Had By No One
by noothernames
Summary: Follow up to Hell Hath No Fury. Brittany and Santana plan a relaxing trip away to the spa, leaving their son behind in Rachel and Quinn's care. They all soon find that a peaceful weekend is a little too much to ask. Written for Brittana week.


Notes: This fic was written as a follow up to my previous story, Hell Hath No Fury. Then I saw that there was a "Brittana Babies" day during Brittana week on tumblr and so figured I'd get this out in time for the theme day. Just to warn you, there is some Faberry in this, although it's not substantial by any means. As always, this one goes out to Sloane. And with all that over with, enjoy the story.

/ / /

"Santana! Come here and help me finish packing!"

"Coming!" Santana yelled to appease Brittany for a few minutes while she finished her very important project. She turned back to face her son and let an encouraging smile spread across her face.

"All right Nicholas, sweetie. Repeat after me… 'harpy'."

The two year old screwed his eyes in concentration.

"Happy."

She winced. No, that wouldn't do at all.

"How about 'dwarf'?"

Nick, seemingly bored of this game already, lifted the hem of his shirt up and over his head, like countless drunk college girls had done before him. Santana fixed his shirt quickly and brought him up to sit on her knee.

"Nick, can you say 'dwarf'?"

"Doggie," he mumbled, a glassy look in his eye.

Santana rolled her eyes. He was just like his mommy with his near reverence of animals.

"Okay, honey, let's try just one more. Say 'troll'. Come on pumpkin, I know you can do it."

Nick bowed his head and bunched his little fists by his sides. Suddenly and without warning, he erupted.

"Twoll!" he yelled.

After recovering from her surprise, Santana burst into laughter and gathered him up in her arms.

"Close enough, close enough! Good job, you made your mom _very_ proud of you."

He giggled as she planted a series of pecks on his face.

"Oh, so _this_ is what has been keeping you from packing."

The pair of them looked up and found Brittany in the doorway, looking slightly amused.

"Sorry, Britt. I guess we just got carried away. I just wanted to give my boy a special goodbye since I'm not going to see him until Sunday."

Brittany's heart melted a little, seeing Santana bonding with their son like this. At times she worried that she had pushed Santana into becoming a parent too soon, but when she saw how Santana interacted with Nick, all those fears were pushed away with a sudden realisation. Santana has become the sap she had been afraid she might become. It was fantastic.

"That's okay, but I really do need your help now."

Santana nodded and put Nick down in his play area, making sure to close the baby gate to prevent him from wandering into the kitchen and smearing peanut butter all over his face… again. Nick proceeded to pick up his stuffed unicorn and toy lizard and attempt to make them into friends.

Santana followed Brittany up to their room. One large suitcase was lying open on the bed, a pile of clothes resting in it, all folded neatly. Brittany turned to her wife.

"Okay which sex toys did you want to bring for the weekend?" She asked, bluntly

Santana's mouth curved up into a lecherous grin. She was so happy that they were going on this spa retreat. Between chasing Nick around when he didn't want a bath (which was always) and dealing with temper tantrums in toy stores, they hadn't had a lot of time to themselves. She needed to get her mack on like nobody's business.

"No, we don't need them. Trust me, when you see the lingerie I'm bringing along, you won't want anything between us."

"Not even the strap-on?" Brittany asked with raised eyebrows, holding the object in question aloft.

Santana coloured deeply.

"I meant _except_ that. I mean, we're going for a whole weekend. We should keep our options open," she justified.

Brittany chuckled slightly and placed the strap-on into the suitcase. She made sure, this time, to tuck it where the toy would not be immediately visible if, say, the zipper on the luggage decided to give out, spilling the contents onto the floor, like what happened the last time they took a trip like this.

"Well I'm done, but you'd better get your cute ass in gear," Brittany teased into Santana's ear.

She took the opportunity to smack her wife firmly on the ass. Santana squeaked and set her eyes into a glare.

"You're not allowed to tempt me like that yet. Not with Quinn and Berry coming over soon and the long drive to the spa. You fucking tease."

Brittany laughed at the accusation. Then the doorbell rang. They looked at each other, the trip suddenly becoming real now that they had legitimate babysitters. They raced out the door.

"They're here, baby. Get ready because you're going on a unicorn ride."

So common was Brittany's usage of this phrase in a sexual context that instead of thinking it was weird, she felt reflexive arousal spring up. This trip was going to be awesome. She chased her wife down the stairs, fully intending to get her back for the ass-slap from earlier. But Brittany was too fast for her and before she knew it, she was hearing the dwarf's shrill voice leap against the walls.

"Quinn and I are just so excited to have a whole weekend to be with our special little guy. I've been on tour so much that I never really got a chance to learn who Nick really is, as a person."

"What's there to know? He's only two, the only things you need to know are that he likes dinosaurs and has a speech impediment," Santana interrupted before Berry could have the time to say something stupid, like "If only we had the time to do those skype videochats so he could have the gift of aunty Rachel being in his life more often."

Rachel smiled. "Santana, it warms my heart that you trust me enough to watch over your darling boy for the weekend. I promise that I will abide by all the rules you two have set for him."

Brittany smiled back. "Well there's a loose schedule on the fridge, if you need it, but we trust your judgement. I don't think either of you would keep him up late and feed him all sugar, but if you do then you'll get to deal with the consequences," she said, shrugging nonchalantly at the end.

Quinn shuddered a bit. She had been there at Nick's birthday, where he had gorged on cake and proceeded to run around screaming like his head was on fire. Her ears had taken days to stop ringing. It was quite the feat, considering that Rachel Berry was her girlfriend.

"But really there is just one golden rule that you absolutely need to follow, lest there be _dire_ consequences," Santana said in a grave tone.

Quinn and Rachel shared a look of confusion. Santana was being uncharacteristically serious.

"What rule is this?"

"Yeah, what rule, Santana?" Brittany asked, since this was the first she had heard about any golden rule.

Santana stared long and hard at Quinn and Rachel, who grew more uncomfortable by the second. Right as Rachel was about to say something, Santana finally spoke.

"Do _not_ have sex in our bed."

"What?" Rachel asked, face aghast at the thought.

All it took was one look at Quinn's guilty face to confirm that they really _had_ thought about it. Brittany shook her head at her wife's antics. It's not like they could just leave for a romantic weekend without starting something like this up.

"Look, I'm thankful that you two are letting me and Britt have some time for ourselves, but if I come back and our room smells like pussy then I'm going to come after your asses. I still know how to represent Lima Heights."

"Adjacent," Brittany murmured reflexively.

Quinn toyed with the cross at her neck nervously but Rachel didn't even flinch at the threat.

"Wow. The fact that you would even think that we would do such a thing is appalling. Simply appalling."

Rachel shook her head dramatically a couple of times to emphasize this fact. You could almost _hear_ Santana rolling her eyes.

"But, since we're such good friends, I'm going to ignore how very little faith you put in me and pretend you didn't say that."

Santana sighed heavily. "Right, whatever. Just remember how good of friends we are while me and Britt are away. And the fact that I may or may not have cameras set up everywhere in this house, especially in the bedroom. Just something to think about."

Quinn cocked an eyebrow and spoke before Rachel had a chance to rise to that bait. "That's really not necessary for us to know, although I am certainly not surprised. Now, you said something about a schedule?"

/ / /

After a detailed explanation of Nick's daily schedule (not the two minute spiel that Brittany had led them to believe it would be) and a tearful goodbye (mostly from Santana, with a few shed by Brittany. Nick didn't shed a single tear) Santana and Brittany were off on their romantic weekend, leaving Quinn and Rachel with their son. Rachel was so excited to spend some time with Nicholas. First she was going to play him all the Broadway music that his parents had no doubt neglected to share with him. Then she was going to regale him with tales of her own experience on Broadway and how she overcame such adversity to come to this point. It would absolutely inspire him.

"Rachel, are you going to come here and play dinosaurs with us or what?" Quinn's voice came from the living room.

Rachel snapped out of her reverie and made her way to the room. Nick and Quinn were sitting on the floor, with dinosaurs clutched in either hand. She smiled at the quaint scene. No doubt they were narrating the next great dinosaur movie. Or so she thought. But when she sat down with them she saw that it was more like World War III featuring dinosaurs. Nick was dive-bombing Quinn's brontosaurus with his pterodactyl making his own sound effect explosions with his mouth. Brontosaurus Quinn valiantly tried to hold on, making a pained sort of groan that Rachel was only used to hearing in… decidedly different situations. In the other hand, Nick held a T-rex that was apparently attempting to make a feast out of Quinn's stegosaur. A full land and air assault. Rachel was appalled.

"Come on, Rach. Pick up a raptor and join in."

She glared at Quinn accusatorily.

"Is this what you're teaching him?"

Quinn shrugged. "There's nothing I could possibly teach him that would be worse than what Santana teaches him on a daily basis."

As if to prove her point, Nick held up the T-rex menacingly, growling "Lima Heights Jason".

Apparently the word "adjacent" was out of a two year old's reach. But it wasn't too late –Rachel could still instill some pacifist values in the boy. She picked up a raptor.

"Everyone, stop what you're doing!"

Quinn almost laughed, Rachel's dinosaur voice was clearly lacking. She wasn't growling out the words so much as crooning them in a manner reminiscent to Grover from Sesame Street. But it seemed to work somewhat because Nick stilled his destruction and turned his dinosaurs to face Rachel's. She did the same, with a grin. Satisfied by having their attention, Raptor Rachel spoke again.

"Is all this violence really necessary? Why is there such strife between our peoples? We are all strong, capable beings in this world, why should we be enemies?"

This would not be the time to burst out laughing. If she laughed, she was guaranteeing that Rachel would not touch her intimately for at least a few days, if not a whole week. She snuck a look at Nick's face. His face was all scrunched up, as if he was trying to understand. Seeing that she had not yet lost him, Rachel went on.

"This society glamourizes violence. It pits us one against another, hoping to reap the benefit if we should fall. It makes no sense to fall into that trap. We should solve our differences with talk instead of claws, with understanding instead of razor-sharp teeth. I, raptor, say we should sign a treaty to eliminate strife in our kingdom-"

"Dinosaurs have kingdoms?"

She chose to ignore that comment. "-in order that we may live in a world free of the unnecessary turmoil that comes with war. We will be free to pursue artistic and intellectual endeavours and better our society. Will you join me and help bring forth the golden age of the dinosaurs? What say you?"

Rachel extended the raptor's claw out as a gesture of hopeful friendship. She met Quinn's eyes and lifted an eyebrow. Quinn wasn't a mind reader or anything, but she was certain that Rachel was trying to tell her telepathically that if she did not have her dinosaurs sign the treaty then she was going to have to face some lonely nights. Sighing in defeat, she inched her dinosaurs forward to sign this made up, totally lame treaty but suddenly she was cut off as the T-rex and pterodactyl advanced in front of her.

"NO!" Nick yelled.

And with a mighty roar, he sent his troops into battle. The pterodactyl swooped down onto Raptor Rachel, biting her face, while the T-rex chomped on her torso. Rachel dropped the toy and Nick went full out for a while until deciding that the raptor was dead and that the threat of peace had been averted. Finally, Quinn burst into wild, uncontrollable laughter. Rachel stared at her, red-faced with outrage.

"Quinn, stop! You're only encouraging him."

But she couldn't stop laughing. It was just too much –from the elaborate speech to the extension of the raptor's claw, it was just too much. Then Nick decided to join in. They laughed and laughed while Rachel just glared at them with her arms crossed. For the first time, she was starting to think that maybe she wasn't cut out for this babysitting thing.

/ / /

"Baby, when we get to our room I have a few tricks to show you."

"Oh yeah? What kind of tricks?"

"The kind of dirty tricks that end up in deep, full-bodied satisfaction."

"Trust me it's going to take you a little more than a few tricks to satisfy me because I'm not going to want you to stop."

"Well here's some good news for you, Britt –I am more than willing to keep you up all night if I have to. We don't have to get up early to make breakfast, we don't have to worry about two-year-olds barging in unexpectedly due to bad dreams…"

"No having to be quiet," Brittany smirked.

Santana laughed. "And thank your lucky stars for that, baby. Because with what I'm planning, you'll be lucky if we don't wake up half the hotel."

Finally, after a two hour drive that was essentially extended foreplay, they pulled their car into the spa resort's parking lot. They got their luggage and made their way into the entrance. Some ass-pinching and giggling might have been involved, but the important thing was that they were inside now, acting like mostly-respectable adults. They strode up to the front desk.

"Hello, we have a reservation for Pierce," Santana told the young girl at the desk.

"Of course, we set you up in the deluxe lover's tranquility suite. Here is your key card and a schedule of the treatments your spa package came with," the girl told them in a soft, serene voice.

Santana nearly tore the key card out of the girl's hand. She ignored the schedule so Brittany took it from the confused girl and said a quick thank you before she rushed off with her wife to their room. There was some minor frustration with getting the door opened (Santana could never open those key locks when she was in a hurry like this) they flew into the room, throwing their luggage wherever it might land. All Brittany knew was that Santana was pressing her into the door while her mouth worked over her lips, her throat, her collarbone, and it was _amazing_.

It was finally happening.

They were finally going to have sex like Santana's dreamed of again. _Real_ sex. The kind where you don't stop in the middle because you thought you _might_ have heard something. The kind where you suspend all worries about bills, work, mortgages, and which pre-school to choose. The kind where –oh god, Santana shuddered as Brittany softly bit her bottom lip –the kind where you don't think too much! She moaned into her mouth as Brittany slowly led her backwards until she was falling backwards onto the bed. Brittany climbed on top of her, an absolutely wicked look on her face. Santana shivered in anticipation. Long, pale fingers drifted alongside her face and meandered down to her neck. When the fingers dropped down to her cleavage and hovered teasingly she held her breath.

"I'm hungry."

Santana smirked. "Trust me, I won't stop you."

Brittany sat up. "No, I mean like really hungry. For real food. Can we get room service?"

"Now? Come on, Britt, I just want a little something. I'm dying here."

She looked at Santana weirdly. "You do not want me going down on you when all I can think about is cheeseburgers. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to cheeseburgers."

Santana shook her head and reached into the nightstand, pulling out the room service menu. It was a shame to derail all that build-up, but they could always continue after their meal. Maybe the menu would have breadsticks.

/ / /

"No."

"Come on, Nicky."

"No."

"Just have a little food."

"No."

"Not even for your Auntie Rachel's sake?"

"No."

"But your mommies told me that you love veggie dogs. They're your favourite."

"No," he said, with a look of distrust and distaste. He knew she was full of it. He never had one of these icky things in his life.

Frustrated, Rachel put down the spork with sliced up veggie dogs in it back onto the plate and sat back in her chair. Nicholas stared back at her in his booster seat, resolute on being difficult.

"All right, toys are all put away and crayon drawings are ready to be framed and put up in a gallery," Quinn said, striding into the kitchen.

She put the two drawings onto the fridge with a couple of animal magnets and turned to grin at Rachel. Quinn apparently loved every minute of this, whereas every minute Rachel was feeling more and more inept. When all she met was Rachel's stony face, the grin slid off.

"Are you still trying to get him to eat?"

Rachel's mouth thinned into a line. A slice of veggie dog hit her in the face. A peal of giggles followed.

"I don't think he's hungry."

She sounded so miserable that Quinn took pity on her.

"Nicholas, no throwing your food. That's supposed to go in your tummy," She told the boy firmly.

The tiny hand clenching the next round of ammo paused in its trajectory. Instead of throwing the veggie dog at her girlfriend, Nick opted to stuff it into his mouth. Rachel's tensed shoulders suddenly relaxed.

"All right, now say sorry to Rachel."

Said girl smiled weakly. But Nick suddenly seemed quite intent upon his meal, as though that first bite was all it took to bolster his appetite, but Quinn knew better.

"Nick, tell Rachel you're sorry for throwing things at her. Or else she won't buy you any more toys with her big recording artist royalties."

"Hey, I'll have you know that with the state of the industry, I don't make all that much-"

Nick met her eyes. "Sowwy," he said.

And then he immediately dropped his eyes back to his plate and scooped a few discs into his mouth, chewing them open-mouthed, entirely unselfconscious in the way that only a child can be.

"There we go, problem solved. Honestly Rachel, you need to learn how to be more thick-skinned than that. He's only two, after all," Quinn said, bustling about the kitchen, cleaning up a bit.

When she heard a muffled sob she abandoned the dishes and turned around in alarm.

"You're 'sowwy'? That's just… that's great. I think-" Rachel sniffed loudly. "I think we just got off on the wrong foot but now everything's going to be wonderful because you're the cutest thing ever."

Nick just kept eating, completely ignoring the adult having a meltdown right next to him.

"Rachel, stop crying."

"I can't. He's sowwy."

And that set her off again. Quinn sighed and rolled her eyes. Looks like she was babysitting two kids for the weekend.

/ / /

"I think I'm going to die."

Santana looked over at Brittany, who was lying flat on the bed, clutching her stomach.

"You're not going to die. Or not today, anyway."

"You don't _know_ that," Brittany countered childishly.

"Well you shouldn't have eaten all the fries they gave you."

"But when you have a burger you have to eat the fries too, or else they feel left out."

"They gave you a _bucket_ of fries. Somewhere in your mind, you must have known that you couldn't eat that much. That's why I didn't eat the fries that came with my club sandwich."

"But Santana you got a bucket of breadsticks with your meal. You're no better than me."

"No, breadsticks go into a different stomach."

Brittany shook her head at her wife's antics.

"Babe, I took biology in high school. I don't still think that humans have more than one stomach."

"No, seriously. I'm totally fine. Not bloated or anything."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah!"

"All right, prove it. Come over here and get on top of me," Brittany challenged her wife.

Santana narrowed her eyes.

"There's nothing I'd like better than to get my mack on right this second. Get ready for the orgasm of your life," she said, not all too convincingly.

Santana crawled over to Brittany, climbing atop her with some difficulty. Looking a little unsettled but determined, she leant down and pressed their lips together firmly. For a total of two seconds. She drew back and shook her head.

"I can't do this. I'll throw up."

"Oh thank god, same here," Brittany agreed.

They lied in pain on their respective sides of the bed, not touching save to pass the roll of tums between each other.

"What a romantic weekend. First night and we're already too incapacitated to have sex," Santana commented, bitterly.

Brittany grabbed her hand and gave it a little squeeze. "Honey, it's only the first night. So we got a little carried away, what's the big deal? We have all of tomorrow and most of Sunday together. I don't think we'll make the same mistake twice."

"I won't let me twatswat myself again. It's super frustrating," Santana pouted.

"All right, how about we just give Nick and the girls a quick call and then we can watch a cheesy movie and cuddle?"

Santana broke into a smile. This was why she married this beautiful woman.

"Watch out, if you keep talking like that things might get a little PG-13 in here."

/ / /

Things didn't get PG-13. At all. They fell asleep about halfway through A Walk to Remember, which was probably for the best because otherwise Santana would be dealing with an inconsolable Brittany. She never did well with sad endings. A little disappointing but then again they did have the whole weekend at their disposal.

The next day Santana was jerked out of sleep all of a sudden by an extremely annoying sound. Bleary-eyed, she looked around in the darkness to find the source. The light from the alarm clock burned into her retinas so that when she looked away all she could see was the red "6:00 AM" hanging in the darkness. The terrible sound made itself known again, and this time Santana was able to find its source. Fumbling around, she picked up the phone receiver before unceremoniously hanging up.

That'll teach them not to wake Santana Lopez… scratch that –Santana _Pierce_ up at six in the morning on a Saturday. She picked up the receiver again and placed it on the nightstand. Let's see them try to wake her up again.

"Britt, baby. You awake?"

Her reply was just some loud and steady mouth breathing.

"That's right, you're still sleeping because your woman went all alpha on that phone's ass and-" She stopped her mumbling to yawn largely. "And uh- something about Lima Heights…"

Her eyes fluttered closed and she started drifting off back to glorious, glorious sleep. Or she _was_ until a terrible thought crept into her mind.

What if that call had been about Nick?

What if he had snorted a bunch of glitter and Rachel and Quinn were trying to call from the hospital? She leapt up and placed the receiver back. Hopefully she wasn't too late. She felt terrible –like she had voluntarily swallowed some caustic chemicals.

"Dear god, not my poor little Nicholas. Not my sweet little angel who wouldn't hurt a fly," She whispered in the darkness. "We should have hidden the glitter better –we should have put it in a child-proof bottle! Damn it Brittany why did you have to make it seem like glitter was the solution to all the world's problems?"

In answer, Brittany snorted and threw her arm over Santana's legs in her sleep.

"…You're right. It's not your fault and I'm sorry for blaming you like that. I just get so nervous thinking about our son being in danger. Oh god, what if he went looking for a unicorn? The world is not as magical a place as we've taught him! He doesn't _actually_ have a fairy godfather that will swoop in to save him like I've said in the past because I thought it would make Sam hilariously mad and-"

The phone rang again.

Santana leapt to the nightstand and swiftly pressed the receiver to the side of her face.

"HELLO?"

"uh… hi! This Stacey from the front desk, just calling to give you your morning wakeup call!"

She squinted in the darkness, trying to understand.

"We didn't order a wakeup call."

"Oh, of course you didn't. However, you signed up for the Deluxe Lover's Tranquility package, which includes a complimentary wakeup call. Otherwise you might not make it to the sunrise yoga session being held in Spirit Rejuvination room B in 15 minutes," Stacey said, ever-so-cheerfully.

"Were you the one that called this room a few minutes ago?"

"Yes! But it seems like we got dis-"

Santana slammed the phone down and sighed, in both relief and irritation. On the one hand, her perfect angel was probably safe in his bed. On the other, she just got woken up at six in the morning during her weekend away by some annoyingly chipper front desk clerk.

"Fucking Stacey Merkin. You fucking vagina wig," She muttered to herself.

She snuck a look to Brittany before sighing in relief. Her Britt-Britt was still asleep and hadn't heard her say that. She didn't want to get saddled with sleeping on the couch for being a bitch during their vacation. She yawned and stretched a little bit before nestling back into Brittany's side, intent on making up for lost sleep.

And it lasted for almost two more hours before once again there was an annoying noise.

But this time it was louder and more forceful. So forceful that she felt like the noise was shaking her.

"Santana, baby, wake up."

She cracked open her eyes, which felt like they had been worked over with sandpaper while she had been sleeping. Brittany was sitting on top of her, jostling her awake.

Unfortunately she was wearing clothes. Otherwise Santana would have been happy to wake up and oblige her. But at this moment she felt worse than she did before falling asleep.

"Mruuurg."

"Use your words, Santana."

"That was such a mom thing to say."

"There, that's better. The spa's guest assistant was at the door just now, they have this whole schedule of spa treatments for us to do today. So you're going to have to get your lazy butt up right now," Brittany said, wiggling her hips in a manner that was not making Santana want to leave their bed at all.

"Come on, Britt. I thought this weekend was supposed to be relaxing? What kind of spa forces a million treatments on you when really I paid them all that money to just give me a manicure and some alone time with my wife?" She ran a hand up Brittany's bare leg, hoping to entice her into forgetting the dumb schedule.

Brittany wasn't playing games, though. She caught the offending hand and brought it up to her lips, planting a quick, placating kiss.

"A spa that wants you to get your money's worth, that's what."

Santana lip protruded in a slight pout. She laughed and leaned down to kiss her wife on the lips this time.

"I want a seaweed wrap, babe. You know how much I love the Little Mermaid."

That was true. The girl sure did like her Little Mermaid (although Santana drew the line at calling her Ariel in bed).

But…

"But what about sex? We were going to do tons of sex today. Tons, Brittany. And my lady parts don't forget a promise."

Brittany shook her head at her wife, looking entirely too amused.

"We'll just have some great sex tonight instead. Your vagina won't be disappointed and I get my seaweed wrap. Everybody wins!"

Santana made a loud complaining noise.

"Fine. But it better be top-notch tonight. Like no complaining that 'my neck hurts when we sixty-nine' and no power struggle over who gets to be on top."

That one made the blonde laugh.

"Okay so I'm topping you tonight, as per usual?"

"Shut up."

/ / /

Sighing, Rachel sat down heavily onto the computer chair. Due to her diminutive stature she had to adjust the chair quite a bit so that she could see the computer screen properly but once she got levelled at the right height, she was determined to see this through. She grabbed the mouse and began her search. There must be an answer out there that could solve her predicament. Maybe something simple that she may have overlooked. Something that could save her.

She eyed the google search results, combing through them carefully to see if any of them could give her the answers she so desperately needed. She clicked on a promising link.

_Your Child and the "Terrible twos"_

_You may have heard much about the terrible twos –the period of time were some children become tantrum-throwing, misbehaving rabble-rousers –everything except perhaps on how to stop the behaviour. The reason why toddlers can fall prey to the so-called terrible twos is because..._

"Blah, blah, blah –no patience –blah, blah blah. Come on, get to the part where you get them to not encase your phone in play-dough." She scrolled through to the end of the article.

_But how does one combat the terrible twos? Simply put –you can't. Taking a firm stance against tantrums instead of rewarding them will help, but the only thing that will cure the terrible twos is time. _

Rachel pushed away from the computer in fury.

"Ah fu-"

Suddenly the door to the room burst open and Nick careened in screaming bloody murder (randomly, as children do) and she quickly changed her tune.

"Fun, fun, fun for the whole family!" she exclaimed and hoped that Nick wouldn't ask her for context.

He stopped screaming and smiled. And that's when she noticed.

"Why are you _naked_?"

The question evoked a peal of giggles from the boy. Just the word 'naked' was hilarious apparently.

"Nick," she said, trying that firm stance thing. "Why are you naked?"

Finally, looking incredibly pleased with himself, he answered her.

"I pooed."

Rachel was suddenly flooded by a sense of horror. She was _sure_ –absolutely sure by the pride in his voice that Nick had not pooed in his potty. Oh no. He had pooed somewhere else. And he wanted Rachel to find it.

"Where did you poo?" She asked, but it came out as a whisper.

Coughing slightly, she asked again, this time louder.

"Nicholas, where did you go poo?"

He giggled again, full of malice (or that's how she read it at least).

"I don't knowwwww…" he said, dragging out the word.

Rachel looked around her, bug-eyed.

"Is it in this room?"

"Noooooo…"

"Is it in the bathroom?" She asked, hopefully, just in case she had been judging him wrong.

He clapped his hands. This game was fun.

"No!"

"The kitchen?"

"No!"

"The living room?"

"No, no, no!"

Then a terrible idea crept into her mind.

"Oh god."

She picked up the boy and went to his room. Quinn smiled at her and leaned in for a kiss but Rachel brushed her off, pushing the still naked toddler into her arm.

"Rachel, what are you-"

"Not now, Quinn."

She practically ran to the rocking chair at the other end of the room. Resting on it was her very nice, very expensive Louis Vuitton bag. She tore it open and, against her better judgment, peeked in.

"What are you looking at?" Quinn asked.

Rachel sighed in relief. "Apparently nothing. But I thought I was going to open this thing up to find a fresh bowel movement, courtesy of Nicholas."

Quinn shook her head. "Hon, you really need to not let him have so much power over you. He's a two year old, after all. Just don't overreact to things that he does and you'll be okay."

"I'll have you know that was a very expensive phone, Quinn."

The woman in question started dressing the boy, not paying much attention to her upset girlfriend "And I'll have you know that Nick just did a poo –in his potty of course –and wanted to show you before he got dressed for our day at the zoo."

Rachel pulled a face of disgust.

"Show me? _Why_?"

Quinn stopped and stared at her. "Poo is _important_ Rachel. Pooing in the potty is even more important –it's an achievement. How else are you supposed to know that you're a big boy now?"

"Yeah!" Nick agreed, putting his arms up so that Quinn could pull his t-shirt overtop of his head.

Rachel was flabbergasted. She had no idea that poo held this much meaning.

"Well, then… thank you Nick? For wanting to share that moment with me?"

She tried to sound grateful. After all, this could be the turning point in their relationship. This could be the moment where he started treating her as nicely as he did with his aunt Quinn.

"Auntie twoll!" he exclaimed proudly.

The two adults froze.

"Did he just say…?"

"He doesn't know what he's saying, he's two."

"Yeah I know but he definitely called me-"

"Santana probably did it as a joke."

"Oh of course she would, as if he doesn't hate me enough as it is."

"He's two, he doesn't have hate in his heart. We'll bring him to go see some lions and he'll be happy."

"Okay but if you turn your back and suddenly I'm trapped in the lion cage then I'll have to say I told you so. If I'm able before the lions get at me, that is."

Quinn rolled her eyes and kissed the top of her head.

"Whatever you say, drama queen."

/ / /

Things did not go any better at the zoo. When they gave Nick a handful of pellet food for the petting zoo animals he immediately threw it at Rachel instead, causing pigs, sheep, and baby cows to crowd around her, nosing at her for crumbs. She was still fishing pellets out of her bra an hour later. When they got frozen desserts later on Nick had managed to bite a sizeable chunk out of her frozen soy treat when she wasn't looking, even though he had his own ice cream. Finally, when they were at a tropical bird exhibit with a number of observers about, he decided to lift up her skirt and exclaim to the crowd "UNDIES!"

To make it all worse, Quinn seemed to think that when Nick was getting his face painted was the best time to discuss their future together.

"Not now, Quinn."

"Then when, Rachel? You always brush me off when I try to talk to you about it and I need to know that this relationship's going somewhere."

She sighed. "I don't know what you want from me Quinn. We've been together for a while and I have no intention of changing that. I love you."

"Yeah, we _have_ been together a while. Don't you think we should move in together at this point? It's just the next logical step."

Rachel scoffed. "No way. I know how it is –this kind of thing is a slippery slope. Moving in is just the first step. Then it's marriage and kids. And how in the world do you think I'll be able to raise children with you if I can't even handle someone else's kid for a weekend?"

Quinn's face was filled with disappointment. "Oh wow," was all she said.

Rachel looked away, not wanting to meet her eyes. Rachel was the one in the right, after all. They could have a perfectly happy relationship living in separate places and never bringing up the topic of children again.

"If you don't at least want to live with me then I don't know what we're doing here."

Rachel wanted to say something here, but nothing came out.

"And the fact that you used your trouble with Nick as an excuse to get out of committing to anything with me is just pathetic. I _want_ kids, but it's not a deal breaker for me."

She paused and just looked at Rachel in a way that made her feel like she had just made a huge mistake.

"You need to know that you don't just learn how to handle kids overnight –it's a long process. You're just too impatient to figure that out."

Rachel felt jarred. _This_ was why you didn't have these types of conversations in the middle of a zoo.

"Can we just talk about this later and enjoy the rest of the zoo?"

Quinn sighed.

"We _will_ talk later. But for now I think I'd better cool off in the car while you and Nick finish off the exhibits without me."

Panic sunk in.

"Just me and him? I don't know Quinn…"

"Then tell him the reason why he's not going to be able to see the rest of the zoo if you really can't handle it. I'll be in the car," Quinn said, waving weakly before heading off.

Rachel looked down in shame. This was worse than the time she had tried to convert Quinn to vegetarianism by throwing out her bacon. Except for this time there were fewer tears.

"RAWR!"

At her side she now found a tiny tiger that looked suspiciously like Nick. She decided to make the best of things.

"Ah! You scared me. I thought you were a real tiger for a second there," she said awkwardly, reaching out to pat the top of his head.

He seemed unimpressed. "Where Quinn?"

"She got tired and went to the car. But that's okay because we can go see the rest of the animals by ourselves."

He made a face that made it clear how very little he was looking forward to doing this trip with Rachel. It was a very Santana face, which only made Rachel more nervous. She hoped the Brittany in him would show up soon.

/ / /

To say that Brittany was relaxed would be an extreme understatement. It would be like saying that unicorns were _kind of_ magical or that Lord Tubbington liked the occasional smoke. She was so relaxed that it felt she had rich melted butter for insides. She would have told Santana this, but she knew that her wife would have just told her not to watch so much Paula Deen on the food network. On top of the sense of utter tranquility (and rather opposing to the tranquility most would say) was the current of desire that flowed through her from a day filled with couples treatments where Brittany was very aware of how naked Santana was under her terrycloth robe. Through all the manicures, mud baths, sea weed body wraps, and deep tissue massages all Brittany could think of was how hot Santana was and of all the different ways she was going to touch her later.

Okay for a brief moment there she stopped thinking about Santana and wondered if Rachel ever sang while she and Quinn were trying to have sex. But that was just pure curiosity that made her wonder; she wasn't turned on by the idea or anything.

So here she was, scrubbed, massaged, and polished –lying spread eagled on their bed, when Santana finally came out of their bathroom after cleaning out the stray mud that got in her ear, looking fucking gorgeous. She sat up quickly.

"You look fucking gorgeous," Brittany vocalised. The "fucking" was important for emphasis. Also the word seemed to be on her mind as of late.

Santana looked pleased by her attention. A small coy smile had worked its way onto her face. She made her way to the bed and leaned over Brittany, their mouths separated by a small gap.

"And you look so good I could eat you," she murmured before dipping in and taking Brittany's lower lip between her teeth. Brittany gasped as she gave her a little nip before drawing back. "In fact, I think I will."

And now their lips were crashing together with intensity as the accumulation of the weekend's sexual tension came to a head. Lips glided against each other smoothly, opening slightly to let tongues explore, which they did with delight. Brittany let out a sigh of relief. This weekend really was the best idea ever. But just as she was digging her hands into Santana's hair, the woman pulled away.

"Buh?"

"It's about supper time and all we've had all day was chamomile tea and the cucumber slices that fell off our eyes," Santana said.

Brittany wanted to say she didn't need food, that she already had plenty of energy. After all, they did have numerous mind-blowing love making sessions in high school when they were both on the Sue Sylvester master cleanse. But just as she was about to state that fact to the court her stomach grumbled loudly. Santana gave her a knowing look and extended a hand. Groaning in annoyance, she took the hand and pulled herself up and off the bed.

"I know, I know. We're both hot and horny and ready to go. But we're also hungry and if we had sex right now it wouldn't be as good as it could be with a meal."

"Except without the food coma this time," Brittany said, remembering the previous night's derailment.

"Exactly."

So here they were in the small dining hall, taking small sips of ice water and even smaller bites of salads they weren't remotely interested in. The waiter had come over a couple times to ask them if they were enjoying their meals and if they would like anything else, but after the death glare Santana had fixed him with the last time he came by, he resolved to skip their table until it looked like they might need him again. Good thing too because he had been interrupting their game.

That game being, see who can make the other turned on so much that they sweep the plates and silverware off the table and initiate sex in front of all the other spa patrons.

So far it hadn't quite reached that point yet, but Brittany could tell from the way Santana clenched her jaw and gulped thickly that she had perfected eating salad sexily. She smiled wickedly and speared a cherry tomato. Her tongue peeked out and licked the dressing off of the tomato before engulfing the (fruit? Vegetable? Did it really matter at this point?) thing between her lips.

"Mmm…" she moaned appreciatively as the fruit burst in her mouth.

Shaking her head, Santana set down her fork loudly and just sat back and gave her an incredulous look.

"What?" she asked innocently.

"Don't give me that. You know exactly what you're doing."

She laughed and leaned over the table, providing a view down her top.

"So what you're saying is you want me to stop?" she said in a husky, low tone that gave Santana shivers.

Santana bit her lip and stared back at her coyly.

"Absolutely not. What I'm really saying is that we should skip dessert."

Brittany nodded and pushed away her plate.

"Yeah! I'm ready now."

She thought she heard Santana mutter something like "I've been ready all weekend" but then she called the nervous waiter over for their check.

Soon Brittany was in their room's washroom, under strict orders not to come out until Santana was ready. She didn't know what could possibly take this long but imagined it involved the promised lingerie or the strap on they brought. Preferably both. Either way, Brittany took the opportunity to strip down to her bra and underwear and fix her hair and makeup a bit. Not too much. She just wanted the sexy smoky eyes and sex hair that Santana liked so much. She was just applying some eyeliner to her lower lid she heard it –a tiny sniffle. She frowned slightly, confused. It wasn't followed up so she went back to her application, simply buzzing with sexual energy.

This night was just going to be amazing and would be something they could fondly remember to get them through all the busy work days, toddler tantrums, and the pre-school applications they would have to be starting soon. She smiled fondly.

Another sniffle. It was muffled, but prominently _there_. Turning away from her reflection, she put down the eyeliner and opened the bathroom door, despite the orders she had been given. There, sitting on the edge of the bed, was Santana, still in her tight skirt but wearing a sheer black lacy bra that Brittany had never seen before, clutching something in her hands and snivelling to herself quietly.

"Santana?" Brittany asked, alarmed. She took a few steps forward.

"Baby, what's wrong?"

Santana looked over with big tears in her eyes, her makeup smeared down her face. She opened and closed her mouth a couple times, but took a moment to get the words out.

"I went into our luggage…" a shudder. "To –to get the lingerie I bought out."

"I noticed you were wearing a new bra. Very sexy," the blonde commented cautiously, she ran her hand up and down her wife's back soothingly.

"I know, r-right?" So I put on the bra and I-I'm taking out the panties now and what do I see?"

Brittany's worry is at level ten at the moment. What could possibly bring her to tears like this?

"What was it?"

She sniffed.

"A tiny little sock. Static clinging to my panties. Our son's sock. Our _baby_, Brittany."

Brittany's alarm dissolves as she is flooded with understanding. She sits down on the bed next to her wife and puts her arm around the girl.

"Oh, honey."

"I just miss him so much. I feel so far from him," Santana cried, leaning into Brittany's body for comfort.

"We're not that far away from him, sweetie. We're going to see him tomorrow, don't you worry," Brittany murmured, planting a peck on her forehead.

"It's just, what if he thinks we abandoned him and that Rachel and Quinn are his new parents?"

She let out a small chuckle at that.

"I promise you that hasn't happened. He's too much of our son to consider Rachel Berry his mother."

She felt Santana nod against her. Even if she didn't laugh, it was still a promising sign.

"I'm sorry I ruined the mood."

"It's okay. Really if you think of it, I'm way worse if you count all the times I stopped in the middle to wonder if Jurassic Park could really happen."

That inspired the laugh to come out.

"It's true, you are bad for that. But I still love you," Santana told her with a watery smile.

Brittany turned and kissed her softly.

"I love you too. So much."

/ / /

"I hate you!"

"Nick! You can't run off like that! Hey!"

Rachel scurried off after the surprisingly agile child. If only Quinn was there to see this, then she'd agree that Rachel was seriously deficient in handling children. There was probably some strand of DNA in her genetic makeup that repelled children. How else could you explain why she was chasing a tiger-faced two year old around a zoo?

"Nick, stop! It's dangerous to run away like that!" she yelled after him.

The adults she passed by gave her judgemental looks with a hint of pity. Just a tiny hint though. Mostly they seemed to think that she should be able to handle a child who they assumed was her son better.

"You not my mommies!" He yelled back at her.

Now the spectators looked at her suspiciously. Great. Now she was going to be accused of child snatching. If she ever could catch up with the kid, that is.

After a couple of frustrating minutes, Nick slipped on the ground and fell on his behind, allowing Rachel to finally catch up to him.

"Oh Nick… are you okay, sweetie?" Rachel asked, huffing from the run around.

Even though he hadn't landed too hard, as soon as she asked the question his chin was trembling and big tears were welling up in his eyes. Rachel picked the boy up into her arms. He started bawling loudly. Distraught, she rocked him softly and stroked his back.

"I hate you!" Nick exclaimed in between sobs.

For once Rachel wasn't taking it personal. She just continued to try to comfort him.

"It's okay, it's okay. It's all going to be okay."

He was breathing ragged now. His tears had soaked right through the shoulder of Rachel's shirt, but she didn't care.

"I m-miss mommies. I so sad," he choked out.

That just about broke Rachel's heart on the spot.

"Well guess what, Nick? Your mommies are coming home tomorrow! That's just one sleep away!" She told him enthusiastically.

The tears stopped for a moment as he wiped his eyes and looked at her, confused.

"One sleep?" he asked, hopefully.

She gave him a wide smile.

"That's right. We just get you some dinner, a quick bath, and put you to sleep and when you wake up your mommies will be back."

Nick took a moment to digest this. Pretty soon a tentative smile grew on his face.

"Yeah?"

"That's right, they'll be back before you know it! Now, what do you say we go see a polar bear named Nicholas?" she asked him, knowing that he would enjoy that.

"That my name."

"Yeah, you share your name with a polar bear! If I didn't know better I would swear that that was your mommy B's idea," Rachel said. In fact, now that she thought of it, she was almost certain that it was no coincidence.

"I want to go! Molar bear!"

She laughed. "Yes, to the _molar_ bear!"

The two enjoyed the rest of the zoo visit without shedding another tear. When they returned to the car later Quinn was pleasantly surprised by the change in mood between the two. They went home and enjoyed a peaceful meal. Afterwards Nick hardly struggled against his nightly bath routine. And he was rewarded with a long phone call with Santana and Brittany. Although from the way that Santana almost sobbed as she asked to talk to her son, Rachel wasn't sure who was benefitting more from the call –Santana or Nick.

When he enthusiastically went off to bed, excited to wake up to find his parents were back, Quinn and Rachel sat down to talk about their relationship.

"I think I was overreacting a bit earlier."

"Just a bit?" Quinn asked.

"Okay a bit more than a bit. You were right –it takes time to understand how to deal with kids. I mean, I just figured out a way to relate to Nick earlier. But it doesn't mean I won't have my problems with him once in a while because I'm still learning," Rachel explained.

"Right. And do you see why asking to move in with you is not the same as asking you to rear a brood of children for me?"

The smack of sarcasm from that drew out an involuntary giggle from Rachel before she went back to being serious again.

"Ahem, yes, it wasn't fair of me to make that conclusion."

She reached over and grabbed Quinn's hand.

"I really do love you, Quinn. And I want to be with you more often. I mean, it really just makes sense to move in together because I already don't have that much free time on my hands, so why waste some of it on travel time to get to your apartment?"

The blonde grinned and pressed a soft kiss to her lips.

"Wanna go defile that bed?"

"No, I'd much rather keep my skin intact, thank you very much."

"Right, me too. Should I make hot chocolate?"

/ / /

"_Nick_," Santana tried to whisper.

Brittany rolled her eyes. Her wife was sitting on the edge of her son's bed, looking on as he snoozed peacefully.

"Are you trying to wake him up or not disturb his sleep?" She asked.

"I don't know. I want him awake but he's cute sleeping. What do I do?" Santana whispered, pouting a little.

"Okay, I vote we wake him up –gently."

Santana grinned.

"Nicholas, your mommies are home. And we brought you a present," she murmured, brushing his bangs out of his face.

Immediately his eyes popped open. He blinked a couple times drowsily, seeming unsure that he was seeing the right thing. Brittany came over to the side of the bed too, overjoyed to see her special little guy.

"Mommies?" he croaked, sitting up and wiping sleep out of his eyes.

Instinctually, they both engulfed him in a family hug.

"What presents?" Nick managed to say from the heartfelt, though constricting hug.

Brittany and Santana laughed. It was always about the presents. Especially now that mommies were within sight.

"There's only one present and it's only from the spa gift shop. But lucky for you, you get to add to your stuffed animal collection."

Brittany dug into the bag she had brought into the room in anticipation of being asked this and brought out a teddy bear that had a t-shirt that said "Crystal Tranquility Retreat and Spa".

"You can take off the t-shirt I'm pretty sure," Santana said, attempting to remove the article.

Nick reached for the toy desperately.

"No, he'll be cold!"

"All right, whatever you say, pumpkin," she said, relinquishing the plush.

Nick hugged the bear close, looking happier than anything.

"I missed mommies a lot," he said after a bit.

Brittany and Santana shared a look.

"And your mommies missed you, Nick."

He nodded contentedly before opening his mouth in a wide yawn.

"It's still early, did you want to go back to sleep for a bit?"

He looked sleepily upset at this suggestion.

"Don't leave againnnn…"

Santana bent over and kissed the top of his head.

"Don't worry, we're not leaving. We're going to be right in the next room. And you don't have to sleep. But we'll close the door and keep the lights off and see if you can resist," Santana said, pulling up his sheets to cover him.

Already he was rolling onto his side, cuddling his new toy. His eyes fluttered closed and Brittany and Santana knew he was a goner.

They stepped out of the room quietly, closing the door softly behind them.

"God is he ever cute."

"It was worth coming home early just to see his happy little face. Even if he didn't say thank you for the toy. Little bastard."

"You mean _our_ little bastard," Brittany said, jostling her wife playfully.

"Damn right."

"You know, I've been wondering what being pregnant is like."

Santana looked at Brittany, surprised by the sudden topic.

"Oh yeah?" she said, trying not to convey emotion.

Brittany turned to her wife and placed a hand on either hips.

"Yeah, what do you think? Would I still be hot if I was a big pregnant lady?"

Santana wrapped her hand behind the blonde's neck and pecked her on the lips.

"Honey, if you still thought _I_ was hot when I was this blubbering, irrational, mess of a pregnant woman then I absolutely would still find you smoking hot if you were pregnant with my child."

Was this really going to happen? Her mouth tugged up into a grin at the thought of expanding their little family.

"Okay, we should do it then. Do you think if I pray to Harry Potter really hard we'll get a girl this time?" Brittany wondered.

"Babe, I don't think it works that way."

"To Voldemort then? Oh wait, how about Hermione? She's a girl."

"That's probably your best bet, then."


End file.
